#BEDN - Why do I care so much what people think?

This is a hard post for me to write, so please forgive me if I ramble and stop making sense at any time.

Yesterday I wrote a throw-away post about Home Sweet Home; this was the prompt for #BEDN and I had nothing much to say. As a post it wasn't my best and I just used it to fulfil the requirement to Blog Every Day in November.

Last night I received a comment on the post. It was a single word comment. In essence it said my post was sh*t. It was posted by Anonymous.

I was shocked at how much this upset me. The breath literally left my body and I felt tears prickle in my eyes. It was as if the person who left that comment was in the room and had spat the word at me. My reaction was strong, visceral and totally shocking.

Then followed the anger. Why leave a mean comment? If you don't like a post then leave the blog and move on; why would someone feel the need to leave a mean comment? I just can't understand why someone would do that. In my short blogging career I've always found people to be supportive and kind, leaving positive or supportive comments. This sudden and unexpected nastiness was so shocking that I've thought of little else since I first read it. Naturally I'm not publishing it on my blog!

This morning I decided to address this turn of events on my blog. I understand that blogging is a public medium and people are free to write what they like both as blog posts and as comments. I have read blog posts that have moved me to leave a comment and posts that haven't spoken to me at all and I've left the blog without commenting. That is the nature of blogging - sometimes you engage and sometimes you don't. But I've never left a spiteful comment. I suppose I'm of the school that if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing. The world seems to have moved on and I feel increasingly that I've been left behind. Earlier I wrote a post about kindness and that's what hurt me about the mean comment - it seemed designed to be deliberately unkind.

I doubt that Anonymous gave much thought to how I would feel and react when I read their comment; I doubt they thought much about me at all. If they come back to my blog and read this then it may give them pause for thought ; they may realise that a simple, throw-away comment can have quite a profound effect on someone; they may realise that there is a real person behind each blog who has real feelings. If I'm really lucky they may stop leaving mean comments on blogs!

I know this is coming across as self indulgent navel gazing on my part and I do apologise for that. I needed to get this all off my chest; it's not made me feel better yet but it will, I hope. The main point of this post is to try and work out why I let what people think affect me so much.

I've always been hyper-sensitive to the comments of others. Words have a real power to hurt and upset me. Maybe I'm too sensitive but that's just the way I am and I'm far too old to change now. This sensitivity has left me vulnerable to bullies and at certain times in my life they have made things very difficult for me. I still haven't worked out how to deal with bullies - I tend to run away from them rather than confront them and I'm aware that this isn't a very 'adult' solution. I wish I could stand up to the bullies but I'm not strong enough to do that. So, despite not knowing any of this, Anonymous hit upon the one sure fire way to affect and upset me, using words, or more accurately one word.

I really wish I didn't get so upset about the silly comment. I wish I could stick two blogger's fingers up at them, blow a raspberry and move on. But I can't. I'm struggling to move past the spiteful, nasty comment and I'm feeling really bruised. It's making me question my ability to write, my commitment to writing a blog and whether I want to engage with the online community if someone can affect me so profoundly with a simple comment. I want to keep blogging, I want to keep writing but I'm not sure my heart and soul are strong enough. Do I need or want to invite hurt into my life? I have to think about my mental well being and whether carrying on blogging is the way to go. I know this sounds like an extreme reaction but the comment gave me an extreme reaction and not in a pleasant way.

Thank you to everyone who got to the end of this rambling post. I promise not to be quite so self indulgent when I next blog.