No! This wouldn’t
do. Why did it have to be that way? She was her own woman, after all; she didn’t
have to become her mother if she didn’t want to … and she didn’t want to so
much!
Ellie put her mug down and headed upstairs. After a dusty search under the bed (why did
she never move furniture and clean under it?) she found what she was looking
for. Under a pile of cards, letters and
postcards was a small blue note book. It
had a large yellow smiley stuck on the cover and the corners were scuffed. Down on side was a faded strip; too many
years left on her sunny window sill tucked under a French-English
dictionary. She pulled it out and
stroked the cover gently. For a moment
she was 15 again; feathered hair, kohled eyes, platform shoes and Oxford Bags. Ellie’s fingers trembled as she opened it.
There, in her younger-self’s handwriting, was her name and
address. It had been many years since
she’d been there and many more since she’d lived there. A drawing of a flower on the inside cover,
several hearts coloured red and purple and a rotten anagram of a boy’s
name. What had he looked like? She couldn’t remember. After several pages – most of which contained
a boy’s name (not always the same boy!) she found what she was looking for –
her life list.
When she was 15, Ellie and her friends had each written a
list of what they were going to do with their lives. They had vowed, very serious thing to vow,
that when they were ‘really old, like, 25’ they’d meet up and check their
lists. Of course that hadn’t happened –
they’d lost touch when several of them didn’t stay into Sixth Form. New friendships had formed, they changed when
University started and even Uni friends had drifted away eventually. So the life list had never seen the light of
day again. Thirty five years was a long
time to wait to find out if she’d got the life she’d always wanted!
Ellie’s Life List – by Ellie Jordan
- Get married to either David Cassidy or Donny Osmond.
- Go to university and get a degree in English.
- Become a poet.
- Squeeze into size 10 jeans.
- Dye hair red and get loads of curls.
- Go
to
- Learn to drive and buy a 2CV.
- Learn Italian.
- Learn to ski.
- Become famous.
‘Wow, Ellie thought, ‘That’s quite a list! I’ve managed 1 and a half – went to
University and married; not David or Donny but that was always a bit
ambitious!’
These were the ambitions of a 15 year old girl with stars in
her eyes; real life hadn’t turned out quite like the teenage fantasy but that
was true of most teenage fantasies – wildly impractical. Her actual life had turned out to be rather
conventional – after University a dull job; marriage; kids; some lovely jobs
and several more dull jobs; approaching retirement and death!
‘God I’m depressing myself!’ thought Ellie. ‘Better pull myself together or I’ll be in
the kitchen swilling paracetamol down with gin!’
The list had depressed her more than she would have believed
– all that potential, all those dreams and what had happened? She’d got caught up in the boring business of
‘life’. True of most people, maybe, but
not what she’d wanted for herself. She’d
been the first member of her family to take A levels and go to University;
these were chances that others hadn’t had – had she made the most of them?
Ellie wondered what her 15 year old self would say if she
could see how it had all panned out – no snogging of fit Italian boys, little
poetry and certainly no size 10 jeans!
She had a vague memory of sitting on a friend’s bedroom floor and
writing the list. Whose bedroom had it
been? She didn’t remember. Who was there? Still she didn’t remember. Something so important had been pushed out of
her mind and it took a shock in a mirror to remind her that she had once had
ambition. Tears welled up in her eyes
and she rushed to the toilet for some tissue.
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