'Let me shove this shopping away and I'll let you know what's been going on.
I bumped into Sassy Talbot at the market today. Quite a feat as I did three laps of the bread stall to avoid her. I think she doubled back behind the leather stand when I was catching my breath. Had lots to tell me, she said, so we popped into a nearby inn for a little snack and a chat. What's the difference between an inn and a tavern? The prices. At an inn they wipe the bottom of the pie dish and charge you for the privilege. But the beer is usually better and the tables less sticky and wobbly.
Her name ain't really Sassy, it's Judith. She changed it so she'd sound more, well, sassy I suppose. She always thought she was that little bit more special than me, especially when it came to fellas. One time both had our eye on the same chap, Derek the Digger, lovely muscles and a fine head of hair. Saw him last week near Storyteller's Keep. Both have headed south and rest somewhere behind his belt buckle now. Anyhow, Sassy started getting frisky with him when he was with me at the Harvest Dance. Reckoned she was more curvaceous, had an hour glass figure and more to offer in that way than I did. I popped to visit the WC and when I came back Derek, Sassy and my pint had vanished. Saw him next morning in her kitchen with a soppy grin on his face and her father's mug in his hand. Didn't last. And he had the cheek to come sniffing round me again. Gave him purple hair and a limp for his trouble, only one using magic.
Anyhow, over a three pie lunch - two savoury, one sweet - Sassy told me what her Harold had heard from Bill in the herb garden. Sounds dodgy but they're both gardeners and it's mulching time. She spent so long plucking at the sleeve of me cardie that she found the loose thread where I caught me sleeve on a bramble in Grimwise Forest doing a bit of foraging last month. Kept pulling and pulling until I had me elbow hanging out. Too far gone for darning which is why I found myself sitting here with a mug of gin, unravelling a perfectly serviceable cardigan and finding new rude names for Sassy Talbot.
And once I've finished all three I'll tell you what she said.'
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