#BEDM Day 10 - Food Glorious Food

Now I must admit that the first thought I had when I saw this topic was to start singing the song from Oliver! But then I decided that this wouldn't help much and a quick chorus about cold jelly and custard doesn't translate well into a blog post! So I'm going to talk about my dysfunctional relationship with food, glorious or otherwise.

According to my mother I was a skinny child. She used to tell me of tearful visits to the doctor when she was worried that I wasn't gaining as much weight as I should have been doing. If only she could have fast forwarded a few years, that ceased to be a problem! I gained weight during the later primary and early secondary school years and was what might be called chubby. Not obese but I was heavier than I should have been. As a teenager I discovered the 'joys' of dieting and have terrible memories of Ryvita and cottage cheese packed lunches. But by the time I went to college I was in a happier place weight wise. But this was a move away from home and that's when my relationship with food fell apart. I basically got divorced from healthy eating and started a long term relationship with junk food.

I'm not saying that my college only provided junk food, just that I chose the junk. Pies, chips, white bread, fried breakfast, pastries, baked puddings with custard - yummy for a treat but every day for 4 years a recipe for disaster. I hold my hands up, I'm to blame. I put that food on my plate and I ate it. Nobody else. Add in lots of beer, plenty of parties and no wonder the pounds piled on.

So I left college overweight. I wasn't bothered that the dress size had gone up. I was happy, got a new job and met my OH. True, my wedding dress was a choice of one as none of the others fitted but I was happy. More weight went on - married contentment! - and by the time I got pregnant and started to wear smocks I looked like a Tudor galleon in full sail. Add in a late summer due date and I spent that time a hot, sweaty mess.

I ate lots of junk food because that's the food I like. Pasta, chips, bread, crisps, cake are my go-to foods of choice. If it was possible to eat nothing but crisps then I would - actually I think there are days when I have. I'm an intelligent woman and I know what healthy food and healthy eating is so it's not ignorance that is the problem. I'm not sure I know what the problem is but it's got to be in my head. I have a poor relationship with food and I think it's been further damaged over the years by dieting. There's not a diet known to man (or woman!) that I haven't tried, with varying degrees of success. I think some of them failed because they were too restrictive - who can survive on a shake and two cereal bars a day? I think some of them failed because I sabotaged them - I didn't want to be on a diet so I cheated and lied about cheating, blaming the diet for failing. But I think most of the failure is because diets don't work for me in the real world. There are too many temptations and I refuse to resist a temptation!

I know that what works for me is making lifestyle changes. Not banning any food but allowing controlled amounts of any food. For example, lots of diets say to ban bread; I prefer to limit myself to a small portion of bread each day. By having a small amount then I think carefully about when to have it and I enjoy eating it rather than scoff half a loaf in one sitting. I have a poor relationship with vegetables - which is odd for a vegetarian! - I know I don't eat enough of them but some of them just taste horrible - stand up and wave, kale and celery! So I have to make a conscious effort to eat vegetables with every meal. I could happily eat a bowl of pasta with a cheesy sauce rather than add some vegetables to the dish. So I know what healthy is and if I make a real effort I can eat a healthy diet. My food issues are nothing to do with that.

I make poor choices when it comes to food. I know that, I acknowledge that and I hold my hands up to my failings. I'm the one who puts the junk on my plate and in my mouth so I have no-one to blame but myself. Knowing that makes it easier to make good choices but sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is very weak; on those days I scoff several packets of crisps and feel guilty all day.

So food glorious food? Maybe not so glorious in my world.