Thursday, 17 July 2014

Am I allowed an angry rant?

I don't usually do this - I mean, blogs are supposed to be fun, right? - but I think it's time to get all this off my chest.  It may do me some good.

As the title of the blog tells you, I'm in my fifty's.  Not over the hill but not in the first flush of youth either. I would say I'm between jobs but that would be more positive than it really is.  I don't have a job and I'm starting to think I've no realistic hope of ever getting one.  I applied for a job recently which would have been great for me - not too far from home, in an environment where I would have flourished and I have the right experience for the job.  But I didn't get it.  Now that's OK; I understand why another candidate was successful and I accept that.  It did however get me thinking.  Why am I finding it so hard to get a new job?  What are the reasons that I often can't get as far as an interview?

Much as I hate to admit it, my age is bound to be a factor.  There are many people looking for jobs and maybe I'm just not what they want but maybe I don't even get to the top of the pile once they cop how ancient I am!  There's nothing I can do about being fifty something.  If this is the reason I'm not getting lucky then I'm stuck!

The thought that I may have 30 more years to go and they stretch out before me filled with nothing is terrible.  I think I still have things to contribute but I may never get  the chance again.  This is really depressing and the more I think about it the more depressed I get.  What am I going to do with all that time?  There's only so much knitting I can do after all!

So what do I do?  How do I get my life back on track?  I do apply for jobs, lots of jobs, all sorts of jobs ... and nothing.  Often there's no acknowledgement of the application or it's progress.  Now I do know that every job vacancy gets loads of applications but an email would be nice.

So again I ask - what do I do?  I have vague ideas of writing but don't have any idea how to do that or what I could do to turn it into some form of career.  I've also thought of doing some from of crafting and selling but again I lack the knowledge and the confidence in my ability to do it.

Now that's interesting.  'Confidence in my ability' - something that I think may well be holding me back.  And that's a far harder nut to crack.  I've always struggled with confidence; not the sort that allows you to march into a pub and buy a drink or approach and chat to a stranger but the sort that lets you push yourself forward and say 'Me, I can do that, give me a go, I can do it'.  I feel uncomfortable blowing my own trumpet.  I always think I'm going to get found out and fail.  Mind you I'm good at failing so maybe that could be my approach!  Look at me, I'll give it a whirl and then fail, you can all laugh at my failure and thank God you're not me!

So that's where I am at the moment.  I'm spending far too much time worrying that I'll never feel useful and wanted again, that I'm now doomed to faff about applying for jobs, not getting them and trying to fill my time with something meaningful.  All sounds very depressing and not how I want to spend the next 10, 20, 30 years.

Sorry if this is a depressing read.  But I hope I feel better for it; I actually feel emotionally drained from writing this but sometimes you need to go down before you can get up.


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