Time For Takeoff?.

 Every now and then something comes along that knocks me off the path I was on and gives me a totally new perspective. Yesterday I had a moment like that and I thought I'd share it with you.

I am relatively new to podcasts. I don't listen to many and very few do I follow in what could be called a regular fashion. But during the course of a writing 'course' I have been taking online the author listed some interesting resources. One of these was the podcast of Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Big Magic. You can find a link to the podcast here Magic Lessons . I read Big Magic a few years ago and was struck by the way she promoted creativity and encouraged everyone to get on and live a creative life. Naturally, being me, I promptly did nothing about it and had almost forgotten about it until I found her podcast. As I tend to flit around and pick things at random without really following any pattern I decided to start at the beginning of the podcast and listen to episode one. What an eye opener. And let me tell you why.

In this episode Elizabeth Gilbert was talking to a young mother who wanted to write a non fiction book about living creatively when you have children and a home to take care of. She had done lots of research, taken lots of classes and planned in detail what she wanted to say. But she was stuck about how to get started. Elizabeth Gilbert then gave her the best advice I have heard in ages. She told her that all her work up until this point was taxiing on the runway! She had been preparing and building up to writing her book and now was the time to take-off, the time to fly, to write the book she wanted to write.

It made total sense to me and my situation. I am always looking for another book on writing, another course to take and I never get round to doing the writing. I am always preparing but never doing! And that's why the fragments I have are all on the laptop and not out in the world. And that's why I usually fail to finish anything. Not because I am lazy or blocked or procrastinating. Because I am taxiing and not taking off. I think that I need more preparation, more getting ready when the truth is I'll never 'be ready' unless I take off. I have to let the words go, let them fly.

It's scary, isn't it? Letting go of your babies, taking your hand off the wheel and seeing what happens. But it can be exciting too. I'm excited to see if I can finally stop taxiing and take-off, fly free as the writer I really want to be. So I'm going to try taking off, flying out there with my words and stories. And because I can't wait to see what happens I'm going to dip my toe into the self publishing world. Don't know how or where yet but I'll find a way.

Because I really want to fly now. Wind beneath my wings anyone?

Reset. And About Time Too!

 Logging on this morning I noticed that I haven't posted anything here since May.

Which is ironic considering that I've come here to explore why I've not been writing very much lately!

So, this writing lark has proved very hard recently. I don't seem able to marshal my thoughts. Everything is muddled and mixed up and unformed somehow. I had an idea for a novel, I had good characters, I had a vague idea of where the story would go. But I couldn't write it. I've managed a few scenes but nothing of any substance. I feel like I've lost my writing mojo.

There's no obvious reason for this apart from all the usual suspects - crippling self doubt, laziness, procrastination of Olympic proportions. None of which helps when I'm trying to work out whether all this is temporary or if it's the Universe telling me to stop kidding myself and give up for good. The defeated writer has left the building ...

However, it's nearly November, NaNoWriMo is here soon so I've resolved to have a reset this weekend and see how I go with a NaNo project. I hope to oil the writing cogs and get this old machine whirring again. 

Bring on the dancing horses!

My Five P's of Writing

Ever since I was small I remember telling stories. Before I could write I was skipping up and down, telling stories to anyone, everyone or even no one. It seems to be part of what make s me 'me' and I can't imagine not doing it. Sometimes the stories exist only in my imagination, never getting written down and they exist for as long as I continue to muse on them. More often they are scribbled in a notebook or typed up somewhere to be discovered half-formed at a later date. These stories all came about by 'pantsing', flying by the seat of my pants. I think this is my default way of making stories. I begin to tell myself a tale and see where it takes me. There is no structure and I have no idea what will happen. This is how I 'won' at NaNoWriMo many years ago. I sat at my laptop with a vague idea and typed away letting it flow from me. No structure, no narrative arc, no sense of an ending. P Number One.

As soon as I started to get more 'serious' about writing I was 'advised' that I needed to plan my work. It was important that I sorted out my narrative arc, wrote character summaries, knew how each scene played out before I typed a single word. So I tried every planning method I could, scribbled stuff down and promptly forgot about most of it once I started writing. Hands were thrown up in horror and I was again 'advised' to keep my planning tight, to prioritise it, to spend almost as much time planning as I did writing. And I stopped writing as much or as often because my plans were never quite right. P Number Two.

Naturally, the third P is Procrastination. All the stressing about planning stopped me writing and I found more and more reasons why I couldn't do it at the moment, today, tomorrow, who knows when. I dithered and played about with ideas but my heart sank at the thought of planning the perfect story. And here comes P Number Four - Perfection. I became obsessed with making the perfect, most detailed plan that I was paralysed - no, that's not Number Five! If my plan wasn't perfect then there was no way I could write my story. Because 'real' writers have a brilliant, perfect plan. Don't they? So I soon gave up on all my ideas and the writing almost stopped. The stories would still pop into my head and entertain my imagination but I found myself telling them that I was sorry but they'd never get written. They were just too fluid, too unformed and refused to conform to a plan. Jelly stories flooding all over the place with no mould to flop into.

P Number Five is Publication. If I was to be a 'real' writer, a 'proper' writer then I had to get stuff published. Didn't I? And to get stuff published I had to plan and make it perfect and bloody well get it written. But I was procrastinating because nothing was planned or perfect and round and round I went, getting nowhere. 

Here I am, contemplating the terror of the Five P's.

Stuck and blocked and with an idea that I thought was great but had a terrible ending. So I started to unpick another plan, changing the ending and the darn thing morphed into a different story. Which needs planning, of course. So I'll make some tea, stare out of the window and try to be a good girl and plan out the new idea. If I can stop procrastinating about perfection in planning that is!  

 

         

 

Book Review - Reynard the Fox by Anne Louise Avery

This is a most scholarly work. The level of research shines from it. Anne Louise Avery certainly knows her subject and their world, it is a tour de force. I felt totally immersed in the world.

That's not to say that it is dull and worthy, far from it. This is a brilliant story, told by a real scholar. I was drawn into the world of Reynard's Flanders, I felt the sun on my back and the dust under my feet as I joined the characters on their travels. The descriptions of food were magnificent, my mouth watered and I could almost taste the soft white bread and the thick cream.

I particularly liked the female characters - Gente, who would have made a much better ruler than Noble; Hermeline, who keeps Reyanrd from his worst excesses; and Rukenawe, who is the wisest of all and reminded me of a cross between Margaret Rutherford and Alistair Simm in the St Trinian films! 

The best thing for me is the use of language. Anne Louise Avery has a beautiful turn of phrase which is bewitching and breathtaking. I can only aspire to write a fraction as well as her.

All in all, a real joy. Highly recommended.

To Those Men

 To those men who think it's a laugh to catcall women as they walk down the road.

To those men who brush ever so casually against your breast as they reach for the rail on the tube.

To those men who walk too close to women on a dark street.

To those men who tell you to smile, cheer up, be pretty.

To those men who drunkenly tell you you're beautiful and leer close to you as you back away.

To those men who try to steal a kiss when being pushed firmly away.

To those men who comment on your legs or breasts or arse.

To those men who sit too close on the bus pressing their leg against yours.

To those men who grab women, who touch women, who fondle women in crowded places.

To those men who pull women in tight, who push women into dark corners, who force their bodies against women.

To those men who put their hands on women, who put their hands under your clothes, who pull at your clothing.

You are part of the problem.

It's not a laugh, it's not banter, it's not ok.

It's threatening.

It's frightening.

It's abuse.

I call it out, all women call it out.

It's not ok to make women feel scared, threatened, intimidated.

It's not ok to be that man, that bully, that predator.

And until you accept that we will continue to live in fear of you, to walk in fear, to see you all as predatory.

To hold our keys in our clenched fists, to avoid going out in the dark, to plan our route home carefully.

To teach our daughters to fear men, to be small and quiet so the men won't see them.

To mourn and fight and fear at each new attack, each tragic murder, each case of coercive control.

Written in sadness, in memory of all the abused, scared and murdered women.

In hope we can change this narrative.

What a dream can tell me.

 I often have vivid dreams, mostly things that are fantastic or just plain weird. But sometime my dreams tell me exactly what I need to hear. Last night was one of those occasions.

I dreamt that I was at a resort, somewhere with a large coach park which reminded me of school parking duties - dust, stones and aching boredom! I was collected by a floating pod which whisked me away up an outcrop which reminded me of The Lost World. There were openings off to the side to various environments - forest, jungle, city and so forth. I was taken to a beautiful estuary, very Devon/Cornwall. There was a wooden structure, like a shed, overlooking the estuary and with one side open to the water. It was a cozy version of Dylan Thomas' writing hut with a comfy day bed, an antique desk and a kitchen to make tea. There was a deck with creaky wicker chairs and cake on a low table. Bliss.

On the desk was an old typewriter and a pile of smooth creamy paper just asking to be written on. Muscle memory is a wonderful thing and I threaded the paper into the typewriter, pushed the carriage return and began to type. When I read what I had typed I saw that the letter 'e' was missing. The arm and key were there but there was nothing to print the letter on the paper. Suddenly I saw an old fashioned intercom on the desk and I pressed a button. A machine-like voice answered and I explained my problem. A replacement typewriter would be provided. I made tea and sat outside. I then realised that when I had spoken to the machine we had used words without using a single letter 'e'!

The new typewriter had a working 'e' but as I typed I saw that the 's' was missing. This continued as more typewriters were brought in and more letters were missing. At no point before I woke up did I have a machine with all the keys functioning at the same time. Very frustrating. Yet when I woke I realised that what my subconscious was telling me was that I was failing to get on with my writing because I kept finding excuses not to do it. I have all the resources I need, all the time I need and yet I find more and more reasons not to sit down and write. 

Self sabotage. I recognise this well, it's something I've been guilty of at various points in my life. I have something deep seated within me which doesn't want me to succeed. I seem to be scared of success, of accomplishment. And I'm not sure it's not too late to do something about it. But I will keep trying, even though it scares me that I may get there one day.

What's holding you back?

Five Questions I'm Asking This New Year

I decided a while ago that I wouldn't do the usual New Year post. It's been such an odd time that I thought some reflection was needed so I came up with five questions I've been asking myself as 2021 approached.

1. What can I take from 2020?

There's no denying that 2020 was a very trying year. Many people had a very hard time and many people are suffering as a result of the pandemic. It's strange to think back to the beginning of 2020 and all the plans or resolutions we made. I was looking forward to a writing retreat to re-connect with friends and get some writing done in a beautiful country house. Of course that didn't happen and there's no knowing when we will be able to meet up again. Several friends had big holidays planned, long haul destinations that would be a holiday of a lifetime trip. All cancelled. 

On a more serious note, many people lost someone they loved. My aunt died last year, not related to Covid as so many were. But because of the pandemic and travelling I was unable to attend her funeral. So many had to mourn via webcam, unable to hug the bereaved. It's heartbreaking to think how much we've all missed a hug, a hand on the arm, the comfort of human contact.

So there is much to mourn about 2020. However I am able to take some positives from it too. It gave us all the chance to slow down, to step off the crazy whirlwind of 21st century life and look around. Some people took the time to re-connect with hobbies they had long abandoned, others took time to enjoy nature. For me it was a time to think about what is really important in life, to stop worrying about how others see me, to realise the value of just being me.

2. What will I use going into 2021?

The dawning of a new year is a traditional place to re-set, to re-evaluate our lives and make changes. The tradition of the New Year Resolution which I always buy into only to forget by the end of January. So this year I'm just looking for tiny things I can do that will move my life forward, make me happier. So no pronouncements about losing weight or finishing my novel. This year I will be kind to myself, stop doing the things that I know harm me and increase the good stuff in my life. I hope that I do finish my novel but this time I'm just going to be content with the writing I get done rather than stressing about the writing I didn't do. I enjoyed sharing my protagonist on this blog during December so I may do more of that this year. I will stop putting things off until some mythical day in the future and enjoy the here and now. If 2020 taught us anything it's that life can be changed in an instant so we should enjoy the time we have without regret.

3. How can I end 2021 feeling fulfilled?

This is a tricky one. It's rather a big question after all. But I think it bears asking in light of what we've all experienced last year. I am trying to look forward with hope. There are good signs that by summer I may have had a vaccination and have immunity from Covid. That means I can stop worrying about it all the time, stop letting it hold me back, stop feeling fearful. By the end of the year I hope many people have been vaccinated and we can begin to re-build our lives and catch up with all the things we have missed.

I want to end 2021 with a sense of accomplishment on a personal level. I want to feel happy about where my writing is, whether that's in terms of publication or not. Perhaps another lesson from 2020 is that I don't need the validation of publication. It would be wonderful if it happens but I can find satisfaction in other forms. I was lucky enough to have a story published the anthology Heartache and Hope. It was lovely to see my name in print, to know others would read my words. It even got read out on a Youtube channel! All very wonderful and good for the soul. I'd like more of that in 2021 so I will need to write, polish and submit. 

4. What is important to me?

I have been fortunate during the pandemic. I didn't lose anyone to the virus and my family and friends remain healthy although some of them did have Covid. As a retired person I didn't have to make any major alterations to my daily routine, apart from setting the home office up for my husband to work from. I am grateful for the security of my home, many don't have a comfortable home of their own and 2020 was bleak for them. I also have a garden and although I'm not much of a gardener it's nice to have somewhere to sit in the fresh air or potter about pulling up weeds. I hope to make more effort to enjoy it this year.

The importance of family and friends was really brought home to me in 2020. I don't have a busy social life as a rule but I have missed being able to meet up with my sister for wine and gossip, to see friends for coffee and a chat. I've missed live theatre, the open-air Shakespeare we enjoy every summer in Oxford. I've missed the spontaneity of deciding in the morning to pop out for the day. Everything has had to be planned with military precision!  

5. What do I hope for in 2021?

There are big hopes and small hopes. I hope that the various vaccines are available to everyone, that they mean we can all live lives free from fear. I hope that the wealthy nations make sure the poor are not left behind in the vaccination programme. I hope that we remember that there is much inequality in society and remember how we all came together to make a difference. I hope we remember how precious our NHS is and demand that it is properly funded in the future.

The small hopes? I hope I can remember how lonely it can be not connecting with friends. I hope I can grasp every opportunity that comes my way. I hope I can look back on 2021 as a year well-lived.

And I hope all my friends have successful 2021 too. Happy New Year!